my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
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Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…