me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
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if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.