“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
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what’s the point then??
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
I think I’ll stand
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.