Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
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It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*