What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
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With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Don’t forget to tip your server
Breaking news:
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.