I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
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“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.