Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
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Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Netflix: We have Less
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
do what now??
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.