BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
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My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king