We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
You Might Also Like
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Facebook marketplace is a different world
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
“What movie?” 🤔
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.