people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
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I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Spring of Deception
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”