Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
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Yes Iâve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didnât take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
3% human
97% stress
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” đ
Kids be like mom look at me when youâre driving 70 mph on the freeway.
So disappointed. Havenât sold a single one of my âWe Welcome Solicitorsâ signs on Etsy.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
It was worth a shot đ
My glasses are broken but Iâve got a glasses repair kit except I canât find it because my glasses are broken
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.