*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
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Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
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ME: finally a program for me
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off