i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
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I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Why soy sad?
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Bruh PLEASE
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle