Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
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“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Stop sending me this shit.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”