Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
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Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”