I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
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We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
i love modern commerce
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist