[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
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Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
doing some research
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.