I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
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God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot