my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
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When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Did I do this right
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.