I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
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I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Not all heroes wear capes.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?