The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
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In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Have a lovely day 😊
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.