Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
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[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
WHY?!
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
I have obtained a hat
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
yes, those are my real potatoes.