If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
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Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer