Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
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All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.