Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
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When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Proctology is located in A55
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
i really liked this one