All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
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“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.