If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
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VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.