I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
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I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Print is alive and well!!!
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
favorite tropes as memes
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.