You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
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age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
The photographer’s assistant
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Do robots dream of electric sheep?