Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
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[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.