Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
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BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
just having fun
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.