My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
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boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Monday?
No. Next question.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.