my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
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couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
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