Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
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[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
what the hell pray for carter everyone
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
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