No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
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I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes