The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
You Might Also Like
Mornin
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.