Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
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Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
some things should go without saying
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.