He died doing what he loved: being alive
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You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”