[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
You Might Also Like
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.