do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
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Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying