Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
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Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
A Short Story.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???