To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
You Might Also Like
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
selena gomez
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
*has no idea what a book even is*
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.