{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
You Might Also Like
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Good boy 😂😂