If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
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GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this