I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
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Happens to everyone.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Snapes on a plane.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
So true for me
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”