There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
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Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Cake safety first. Always.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
marvel comics have peaked
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment