me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
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You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Choose your fighter
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom