My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
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[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Who wants to be my Valentine?
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God