I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
You Might Also Like
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.