Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
You Might Also Like
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
is this how new cars are made??
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.